im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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