She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
