Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
