Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
