I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize