Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
