omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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