I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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