Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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