VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
