You can't special order awesome
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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