sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
