If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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