Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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