whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
