so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
