I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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