If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
