babies were throwing up all over the place
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
