if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
