Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
