Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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