i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
