i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
