I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
