Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she told me i tasted like america
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize