No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
