Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize