It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The Olympian is in my bed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
