apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
