i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
