did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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