My Higher Power is John Stamos
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
