Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
