I faked an abortion last night.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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