You smell like a Billy Joel song
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
