WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
