I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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