so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
