I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
