im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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