Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
