You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
