Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
