8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
