the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
