We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
