Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
