I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
