I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
