wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize