turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
