the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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