Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
