I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
