well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
