Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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